My Why

-Julia Boesze

I am going to start with a statement that may sound very confusing but trust me I will explain later. “I did not meet God in church.’’

For those of you who may not know me, I am Julia Boesze, and was recently appointed as Young Adult Representative for the Pastoral Council. This role ironically began one Thursday when Father asked me to choose and order the Easter flowers for church. In helping our church community with various random projects and jobs, I was given this blessing of an opportunity to share the faith with others.

Anyway, my role that I play now in this parish is not why I am here today. I am here to share my personal walk with faith & God as a young adult. “Walk” is a very polite way of putting it, it actually sometimes feels more like a complete roller coaster that’s on fire. Very frustrating times, but I have felt God’s presence during my Communion and Confirmation and along other important parts of my life. The true “Why” moment I had with being a Catholic happened only recently.

I was on a retreat in St. Louis Missouri in early January where over 23,000 people attended. If you’ve been on a retreat before, then you know the typical parts of a retreat. This was pretty much the same: keynote speakers at night, daily mass, and different speakers throughout the day. Now I am the complete opposite of a people-person, I even called my mom one night and said that this retreat wasn’t introvert approved. Through it all though I went through the motions, just like I would at church every Sunday growing up. I went to daily mass, attended a few speakers each day, tried socializing with some peers, but ultimately found myself back in my hotel room by 4pm every evening clean, comfortable, and watching Everybody Loves Raymond.

It was not until the very last day of the retreat that I felt even a slight calming presence of God. I was walking up for communion - the same way I did for 12 years - except this time in an old hockey stadium. As I went to kneel down after, I immediately felt an overwhelming sensation of complete & intense emotions. Tears started literally pouring out of my eyes and I couldn’t see anything or think clearly.

As someone whose brain is constantly going, to have a moment of quietness for just a minute felt like a huge load off my shoulders. The release of all that built up stress & fear/worry, I didn’t even realize I had, was a blessing and I knew I needed it.

Now I didn’t have this huge moment where God was like right in front of me or anything, but I did start to feel that something was happening inside me, I just didn’t know.

Back to my original statement, “I did not meet God in church.” How most things in my life and maybe yours as well go, that “Ahh ha” moment when you realize the why/how in something that you did/said before almost ALWAYS happens at a future time when we need it the most - BUT we won’t understand “why” until much later.

Without getting into too much detail, the last 3 months have been and continue to be very difficult for me.

A few days after I flew home from my retreat that I was just sitting on my bed, and the same feeling I had during that last daily mass I attended came flooding back, this time with words as clear as day saying “I got you, it’s going to be okay, I won’t let you go.” I knew wholeheartedly, I won't be alone in this battle or in my life as a whole.

Everyday since, I wake up and say “thank - you Jesus”, because if it wasn’t for him and some very special people in my life, I would not be standing here today.

So I will close with this, if you’re sitting here today not knowing why you're here, or maybe you come to mass because “it’s just what us Catholics do,” then I urge you to ask yourself “why am I here, do I wish I was closer to God, etc?”

There are so many opportunities within our church to try something new, connect with others in a variety of ministries/volunteer groups offered, which will ultimately create a huge positive impact on yourself first and then others.

It’s not during our strongest/brightest moments in life where we may see/feel God, but in our deepest, darkest times in life, where we truly find God, trust him and let him into our lives.